Dispatches From the Other Side: issue 5 humor feature
written by Zach Gagnon
illustrations by Luke Smith
[Begin transmission
TIME STAMP 14:59 GST
MONACO, EUROPE (probably?)]
Oh man, you're going to a coffee shop! I love a good coffee shop. Tasty drinks, delicious smells, and music that reminds you just how long ago 2008 really was! Maybe you’re going to meet someone and have a super cool spy meeting. Or just sit by yourself and listen to your favorite true crime serial -while catching up on all that take home spy craft you’ve been putting off. But now’s not the time to think about that. It’s time to order. You know what you want, right? Wait. Why’s the barista staring at you? They know you’re a spy! They’re probably going to call the other spies, the ones you don’t like, and tell them about all your spying. Don’t worry, I’ve got you. Follow my tips and you’ll reestablish your cover as a good customer, maybe even a Super Cool Customer. You see, I’m not just a voice inside your head. I’m a barista. I have been for years. DON’T WORRY: I’m on your side. Remember Monaco? I got you through that. I’ll get you through this.
BE A CUSTOMER
First and foremost, you should be a customer. This may seem obvious, but a lot of beginner spies fail this phase of the operation. You see a coffee shop- and not a lot of people know this- is a business. And like most businesses they sell things, usually coffee, in order to pay for other things; like electricity, employees, and Wi-Fi. Now, as much as I would love to go back to a barter system (frankly, I have too many Pogs) The United States government refuses to accept goods and services for tax payments. So, if you want to sit in a coffee shop you need to buy some coffee! In fact, until you buy something you are not a customer at all! You’re a loiterer, and as we all know loitering is the quickest way to be made as a spy.
Where’s a cash strapped spy to go? I would suggest your local library. They often have just as many, if not more, amenities as a coffee shop. And best of all, they don’t expect you to pay anything to justify your presence there.
Alright, you’re going to order a coffee and reestablish your cover as just an ordinary customer- great choice. But what if there were some way to make your cover even better? What if, instead of being just a customer, you could be a Super Cool Customer? Maybe you can even bring another barista into your spy network. Oh, The Boss would LOVE that! So, here’s what you do. Are you meeting someone for coffee? Did you invite them? If you said “YES!” to both- lower your voice you’re a spy remember- then buy your friend, compatriot, and/or nemesis their coffee as well. Buying a friend, compatriot, and/or nemesis coffee is a great way to make better friends, compatriots, and/or nemesi… nemesie… nemesites. And better friends, compatriots and/or nemesites make Super Cool Customers!
DON’T FLIRT
You're about to order your coffee, when you look up and notice your barista is gorgeous. DON’T PANIC! For reasons yet to be known by science, baristas are the sexiest people in the world. We don’t know if their fey-like attraction is caused by their burnt fingertips, the smell of stale coffee and dairy stains, or their thousand-yard stare into a pitcher of rapidly heating oat milk. But it’s a known fact that baristas are nearly irresistible to spies and, after not purchasing anything, unsolicited flirting is the best way to break your cover!
Unfortunately, because part of a barista’s job is customer service, this can be confusing for some spies. So, it’s important to remember that not every act of kindness indicates a desire for romantic companionship. This is especially true when kindness is a job requirement.
The very unfunny truth is that there is no HR for service industry personnel. The same actions and comments that would get you fired from your job, when done by a customer, are too often dealt with via an awkward laugh and shrug as the barista tries to get away.
“Remember that when you see a barista behind a coffee bar they are at work, and pretty much no one wants to be flirted with at work by strangers.”
So, you’ve successfully tamped down the urge to shout at the barista how beautiful the shade of purple in the bags under their eyes is. Great job! How can you be a super cool customer? This is where you can use your power as a totally average customer to your advantage. If you can, call out obvious spies that break cover and get too familiar. Is it scary to be confrontational? Yes, but you’re the one who wants to be a super cool customer. Aren’t you?
Maybe you are unable to address the situation directly but still want to help. Here’s what you can do for a barista stuck in a conversation they obviously don’t want to be in. And good news, it’s super spyee. Google the name of the shop you’re at. Covertly copy down the number. Look left twice. Have you done that? Now, the most important part: Call the coffee shop. It’s that simple. You don’t even need to talk to them if the creepy spy moves away. Just hang up and bask in the glory of yet another successful stealth op.
TIPPING
You’ve placed your order while avoiding the siren’s call that are your barista’s bloodshot eyes, but oh no now there’s the tip! What to do? Just keep reading silly. It’s what I’m here for. Now this brings up an interesting philosophical debate. Should you tip for a cup of coffee? Should we tip for anything? What’s the deal with money anyway? Are we all just in a simulation, and if so, whose? Is it Snoop Dog? I bet it’s Snoop Dog’s simulation. He seems to be having a good time. I’m glad. While I would love to live in a world where I’m paid enough to afford necessities like food, rent, and an army of tiny porcelain statues of cats without a sizable portion of my pay being determined by how much a stranger likes me, it’s not my simulation, it’s Snoop Dog’s. So as long as we are living in Snoop Dog’s simulation and actively choosing to gauge the monetary value of how much we like a person while they stare directly into our eyes, we should tip for coffee.
Reason being, coffee is just hot bean-flavored water. It’s very cheap and easy to make hot bean-flavored water at home. What you are getting when you come to a coffee shop is a barista’s expertise in not just making hot bean-flavored water, but hot bean-flavored water with milk, and foam, and flavors. Heck, they even make cold hot bean-flavored water with iced milk and flavors. What wonders! Because you are coming to a coffee shop, part of the factored-incost of your drink should be the skill and labor it takes to make the drink- but it’s not. Instead, we have tipping. If your argument is “Why should I tip for something I can make at home?” then please by all means, stay home and make your own hot bean-flavored water.
“Hard numbers: For batch coffee, shots of espresso, and americanos, tip the change. For all other drinks, tip a dollar PER drink. If this seems steep to you, I will remind you of the hot bean water at home. ”
Now, I know what you’re thinking- If tipping is good, over-tipping must be a sure-fire way to be a super cool customer! Not so quick slick! While over tipping can be a great way to show appreciation, it should be done in the correct way or else it could be misconstrued as flirting and, as we’ve already determined, we do not want that. No matter how cute that little coffee-and-milk-crusted rag that they use to clean everything from steam wands to their glasses makes them look. So here are two pieces of advice to be a Super Cool Customer who tips.
The most important thing to remember when tipping is that the tip should not be about you. It's about your appreciation for the person serving you. Therefore, don’t draw attention to how much you’re tipping. If your motivation for tipping is to be noticed, then it’s about you and not your appreciation.
Second, most coffee shops have a reward system. Whenever you get a reward- be it a dollar off or a free drink- pass that reward on to the barista. If you got a dollar off, tip an extra dollar. If you were going to get a latte and it’s free, stick a fiver in the tip jar. There is nothing cooler than someone who turns their good fortune into someone else’s. Best of all, since you were going to spend that money anyway, it cost you nothing!
BARISTAS ARE PEOPLE TOO
Spy? Can I call you spy? One thing I worry about with these dispatches is that they give off the impression that baristas don’t like their customers. Let me first assure you, nothing is further from the truth. As a barista, I spend a lot of time with customers- chatting with them, listening to them, trying to determine whether they are spies or not. It’s by far my favorite part of the job.
As great as the customers and/or spies are, they present a challenge in that you must always be “on” when talking to them. I’ll share a personal story to explain.
I found out my grandpa passed away while in the middle of a shift. I’m not going to waste words endearing my sweet, loving, and generous grandpa to you. Just know that over the course of a phone call, a deep dark pit of grief and sorrow had swallowed me up. In the deepest depths of that pit, before I could even find its walls, I was preparing to go back to work and finish my shift- to work as if getting someone’s latte just foamy enough mattered, and on that day, at that moment, it just didn’t. Now, I am lucky enough to work with amazing people who recognized what happened. They worked harder so I could go home early to appropriately grieve. Not everyone is so lucky.
Being a barista means putting on a smile even when you don’t want to. Most of us don’t get paid sick leave so when we do get sick we have to choose between working sick or not getting paid. Wanna guess which one we choose? Hopefully, this sad and gross peak behind the curtain shows that your barista is just a person. They have good and bad days. Just like you have good and bad days. Remember Monaco?
“Remember: the barista is always wearing a mask of customer service. Sometimes, on hard days, that mask slips and that needs to be ok. You’re a spy and you know how hard a cover can be to maintain. Give grace when someone else’s falters. ”
So, you’ve placed your order. You didn’t hit on the divine vision that is the over-caffeinated bundle of nerves making up the barista. You’ve tipped an appropriate amount. And recognized the innate humanity that exists within us all. Are you a super cool customer yet? No silly billy.
A single successful coffee outing does not a Super Cool Customer make. You must do it again and again. It’s not easy to become a super cool customer but eventually there will be a day when you come into the shop, make eye contact with the smiling barista, and they will take a breath. It’s the breath that you’re looking for. The breath lets you know you’re in! Then they will actually smile, a real one that touches their eyes. Everyone knows there is nothing better than a real smile from a barista.
Except everyone is wrong. There is something better- a secret menu of barista interactions, if you will. People LOVE secret menus. It’s when the smile doesn’t linger. When there is no need for a mask.
The barista will take a breath and ask how you are, in a way that lets you know they want to hear the real answer- even if the answer isn’t easy. You should then ask how they are. Because, here’s the crazy part, they will tell you!
In this moment, you become more than a spy, more than a customer, more than even a super cool customer. You’ll become a person with dreams, fears, and goals getting hot bean water from not just a barista but another person with dreams, fears, and goals of their own. And isn’t that better?
[End transmission
TIME STAMP 15:22 GST
MONACO, EUROPE (still pretttty sure it’s in Europe, maybe Germany)]
CONTRIBUTORS
Zach Gagnon
Zach has lived, laughed, and loved in Joplin for ten years. He is still searching for the perfect cup of coffee.
@zeek4141
Luke Smith
Luke Smith is an artist and writer living in Joplin, Missouri. He recently published his first novel, American Howl: An Epic Poem which is now available in print and ebook on Amazon.
Follow him on Instagram at @l_u_k_a_r_t for art and updates.