Pets of Joplin profile

Interview conducted by Kevin, Joplin Toad definitely-not-paid employee

I had some time to sit down and interview a local pet here in Joplin, to find out what life is like for our cute, four legged friends. I hope to find out what are our pets concerns? What are their hopes and dreams? Most importantly, I want to find out, who's a good boy. Is it you? I bet it is.

I met with cat Winston Winkfield at a local coffee shop to enjoy a nice cup of joe and talk about life.

Kevin: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me Winston. I’m sure you have a busy schedule. I’m glad you could squeeze me in, between cat naps, batting string around, and running across the house for no reason.

Winston: Thanks for having me Kevin. I’m sure you’ll do fine.

Kevin: Wait...sure I’ll do fine?

Winston: Yeah, you are obviously on The Toads B team.

Kevin: B team?

Winston: Yeah, B team. You obviously are not qualified to be giving me an interview. I could tell before you even opened your mouth. I suspect you are also lacking in other ways. However, I imagine if you really buckle down, you can muster up a halfway competent fluff piece on cats.

Kevin: ....uh...

Winston: Did you say something?

Kevin: It’s pets. You said “halfway competent fluff piece on cats”. The assignment is pets, so It’s more than just cats. Dogs and stuff too.

Winston: Your parents must be proud to see that they paid $40,000 so you could talk to floofers. And what falls under the “stuff” umbrella?

Kevin: ...Well if you must know.

Winston: I must

Kevin: Gerberberls

Winston: A little louder please. I can hear wayyyyy better than you humans and all I heard just then was a bunch of muddled consonants and the sound of your parents sighing.

Kevin: GERbals

Winston: Bwa ha ha.

Kevin: ..and a horse next Tuesday.

Winston: Okay bud, you go interview the heck out of that horse.

Kevin: You are a very mean individual.

Winston: Question?

Kevin: Yeah I guess. Go ahead.

Winston: No, Questions!?

Kevin: I’m not sure I follow.

Winston: YOU ARE HERE ON ASSIGNMENT TO INTERVIEW ME!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME? DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN THAT NOTEBOOK, THAT BY IT’S APPEARANCE TELLS ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, THAT RESEMBLES A WELL THOUGHT OUT REMARK WHICH REQUIRES ME TO IMPART KNOWLEDGE UNTO YOU! Q.U.E.S.T.I.O.N ?

Kevin: Say it don’t spray it. Also, yes. There are questions in here that I have prepared.

Winston: I can’t wait

Kevin: Well, Ahem...Winston, what is your favorite color yarn? How many belly rubs do you usually allow before biting?

Winston: I am a lawyer. I am a cat that has a degree in law. You should know this. Your people first contacted me at my office. I am a cat that is a lawyer. I am a cat that represents people in a court of law. I change lives. So how did a cat get a law degree? Did he go to school? what school. Did he stay in the dorms? Eat in the caf? Pledge a fraternity? How does he write? None of this has crossed your mind at some point? Nothing!? I mean...I’m sipping a latte. How did it get here? How did he pay with his little fuzzy wuzzy paws? These things are not buzzing around in that little brain of yours? Just, what is my favorite color of yarn?

Kevin: Fine, I have a different question for you then. It’s about being a cat lawyer.

Winston: I’m afraid to proceed but ok.

Kevin: As a cat that went to school and later passed the bar, and went on to practice law here in Joplin.

Winston: yes...

Kevin: As cat lawyer or lawyer cat, however you prefer to be called... Can I see your toe beans? I have never seen lawyer cat toe beans...or should I call them LAW beans?

Winston: *Hangs his head* The way I see it, we have three options here. One, I could scratch you right here and now and pray to Ceiling Cat that it gets infected and you expire. Two, I could try to bribe a barista to club you in the alley. Three, you could pretend to be anyone but yourself and try to continue this interview. While the first two options are the most appealing, I just had a pedicure and my nails are extremely clean. The alley behind the store does not provide adequate coverage that one would be able to club a moron unnoticed. So I beg you to consider option three.

Kevin: Alright then, forget about to law beans, let’s move on. Do you think in our current social climate that you are more enabled to practice law, than say a cat would have been 20 years ago?

Winston: Yes, I actually do. My father tried to advance his education two litters before mine. He was met with resistance every step of the way. People back then did not want to see a cat practicing medicine. He was either unfairly ignored or actively persecuted.

Kevin: what do you think changed in the past 20 years that allowed you to achieve all of your success?

Winston: The internet.

Kevin: how has that played to your advantage?

Winston: Well, I was able to get halfway through law school purely doing online classes. All I needed was a fake profile picture. I had to actually go to the school for finals one semester. When I showed up they tried to deny me the ability to take the test. I’m sure they did not want the embarrassment of people finding out a cat had the highest scores for eight of their hardest courses. I was able to convince the dean that expelling a cat because he made all of the other students look basic, would be far more embarrassing than embracing me and that situation. We wound up compromising.

Kevin: Well, I guess that school deserves at least a little credit. Where is your alma mater?

Winston: For legal reasons I cannot disclose that information. Like I said, compromise.

Kevin: Lets switch gears for a moment. Do you have any thoughts on the dumpster fire that is politics in America.

Winston: Politics or Politicians? I have thoughts on both.

Kevin: Yes, both.

Winston: Let's start with politicians and to be clear I have voted for, and have friends on both sides of the line. I don’t believe the stock we put on labels is helpful at all. I believe that the most important qualities an elected official should have are not intellectual.

Kevin: Could you expand on that?

Winston: yeah, I liken politicians to toilet paper. They might start out white as snow, but in doing their job, they get covered in...”it”. Maybe the system fails us in that way. I think that, we need better men and women, not better politicians. Adams said “Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job.” I value character. I don’t believe that most of the folks you find in Washington have a servants heart. Based on their actions they seem to think of themselves as kings and queens. I think that there is also something to be gleaned from how much money it cost to get elected. That says something about us all. I’ve lived three lives now and I can tell you that it seems like the world keeps spinning faster and faster. One day it will spin so fast that we will all fly off. It seems like with every step forward, every innovation...It just seems like a bait and switch really. That which is meant to bring us together actually tears us apart...

(It is at this point Winston's eyes get really big. He stops talking and looks off to the other side of the restaurant. Out of nowhere he gets up out of his chair and bolts across the coffee shop. He slides as he makes the turn at the end of the hall. You can hear his paw steps fade and then it is quiet, he has disappeared. Suddenly it happens again, only in reverse. Ascending frantic paw steps, and he is back. Though his demeanor has changed.

Winston: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This happens sometimes. I don’t know why. I have no control over it. It’s like everything goes black and all I know is that for no reason I have to go from here to over there, as quickly as possible.

Kevin: Do you mean..

Winston: You guys call it the zoomies but that makes it sound cute. It is anything but cute for us cats. My heart is pounding, I feel disoriented and panicked. Sometimes it’s just the one. Other times it can be six or seven zooms. I have medicine but I left it at home. I saw an article on Facebook about practicing mindfulness. I thought it was working...

Kevin: That sounds awful. I had no idea what that was like. Thank you for telling me about that. It must be difficult to deal with. Do you want me to ask the barista if they have some chamomile tea or something with lavender?

Winston: I love chamomile but I already know they don’t have it. Lavender will straight up kill a cat. I really appreciate the gesture though. I’m afraid I need to cut our meeting short though. I think it’s best if I Uber home and take a nap.

Kevin: Absolutely. I really appreciate you taking time with me. I have gained a better understanding about what it’s like to be a cat, I know our readers will too.

Winston: My pleasure...I gotta say you actually surprised me. I was really close to murdering you earlier, on account of your intolerable stupidity. What changed?

Kevin: you said to pretend to be someone else. I chose to pretend to be Opera.

Winston: It worked wonders.

Kevin: She usually does.

Winston: Well, my Uber is here.

Kevin: Goodbye Mr. Winkfield

Winston: Red.

Kevin: What was that?

Winston: My favorite color yarn is red.

Kevin: I was hoping it would be.

Winston: And also, when you interview the horse next week, don’t make any hay jokes. They hate that.

Kevin: thanks for the tip.

Winston: One more thing..

(As Winston leaves, he holds his paw up and wiggles his toe beans.)

Kevin: LAW BEANS!

Winston: Yeah buddy, law beans.